Loss

Matthew 4:4 

"Jesus answered, "Scripture says,' a person cannot live on bread alone but by every word that God speaks.'"

     Today we got to go to the Palace of Christoph. It was the most beautiful ruins I have ever seen. As we walked through the footsteps of Christoph we got to experience what life was like in his time during the1800's. Even though the building was falling apart, it still had a sense of richness to it. Walking through the different rooms and listening to our guide tell us about Christoph was an experience I will never forget. 

     Once I got back you can probably guess where I went next... the orphanage. Being with the kids gives me a sense of being. When I'm back at home I always feel like something is missing and it is the part of me that is yearning to be in Haiti doing mission work. I feel like I am a part of these children's lives and they are an even bigger part of mine. Like I said before, being in Haiti makes me want to adopt even more than I already do. Today really made me feel like I wanted to be 5 years older, married, and in the process of adopting. It's almost as if I can feel God yanking on my heart and telling me that I am on the right path and I will be to the finish soon. Being a part of these kids lives has been a major game changer in the way I feel about myself as well. Sometimes when I'm in school I feel like there's not much I can do to spread the word of God except be a good person and try not to ever show that I'm upset. When I'm in Haiti it makes me feel like a whole person and like I'm shining as a child of God. The down side to that feeling is that I only get to feel that way for a week. 

     Tomorrow being the last day I get to spend with Cardy and all of the other children I've become close with, I try to not think too much into it. These children being orphans with no parents to love them, it makes me feel like I am showing them a sense of abandonment all over again when I leave. I've tried so hard to tell myself they're going to be okay, but I know it's not true. I almost feel as if it's not fair that I create relationships with these children just to leave them in 7 days. Before I came I tried to prepare myself to feel a sense of loss all over again, but I did not do a very good job. These children need someone to hold on to and I feel like I am just wrecking their lives by coming in, expecting them to love me, and then leaving them all alone. It really hurts my heart to leave them behind once again. Tonight I just pray to God that he can comfort me through this time of sorrow and loss.