"Oh how lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."
-Winnie the Pooh

     Today has been the worst and the best day by far. To start the day off I got to be a teacher in a preschool classroom helping the kids make rainbow crafts. The smile these children got when we pulled out these colorful pieces of paper made my heart melt. I've always seen myself being a doctor or a nurse, but today made me realize my true passion, teaching. Even if it's not in a third world country, I want to be able to teach children how to live, love, and learn. Watching Kate talk to the children in their native language has really pushed me to learn creole myself. Most people look down on teachers as if they have lesser of a job, but I praise every teacher I have and will have because they are the lifeline to every other career path taken. After class, I got to go into the courtyard and just play with a few kids. Once I started playing with a few kids, it became a group of kids, then it became a mob of kids. I had one kid crawling up my right arm, another up my left, two on each leg, one on my back, and then a crowd of 15 around me just holding on. Some of the other girls from the mission team did not like being pulled on by all of these kids, but I can honestly say that I loved it. Being someone that these kids can look up to (no pun intended) is such an honorable feeling.
     The next part of my day involved lots of mixed emotions. I began my time at the orphanage playing soccer with Cardy and getting even more burnt than I already am. Right before it started raining it got extremely windy and cold, so I said to Pedlin "Mwen fwet" and shivered (it means "I'm cold"). She pointed her finger at me and made me wait where I was. She came running back with her jacket in her hands and laid it over my shoulders. Her offering her jacket to me made me really feel like I had accomplished something. As an orphan, I would never want to give anything of mine up, but she was more than happy to offer her jacket to me. It was an eye opener by showing me what pure and well minded person should look like. They should be willing to offer anything and everything up in order to help another person no matter what the cost. After a while, Katie and I were the only "adults" left in the orphanage. Katie went off to play with to play with a little girl so I held down the fort. The kids were starting to get bored since I can't really have conversations with them, so I brought out some crafts and they swarmed towards them. I had colored paper, sharpies, glue, paper plates, and googley eyeballs, a child's dream. The kids created their own art by cutting shapes out of the plates, adding eyeballs to create masks and anything else they could make that would create the biggest mess. Some people do not have the patience to clean messes up that were preventable or try and have conversations with a person speaking a completely different language, but I guess I was just blessed with that patience. I had an absolute blast making art with these kids.
     After dinner, a few of us went back down to the orphanage to give our final goodbyes. This is where the bad part of the day comes into play. Holding Cardy for the last time for 6 months was one of the toughest things I have had to go through. Becoming so attached to a child and knowing you have to leave them in just a week is such a terrible feeling. I became even more close with Cardy, Pedlin, and Peterson than I had the previous year. Even though I am only 17, I have always felt 20 years older than what I really am, so these children that I have gotten to know feel like my kids. A mother would be heart broken if she had to leave her kids in another country for 6 months without seeing them and that is exactly what I felt like. These children are my kids and I believe that they feel the same way. If leaving them was not hard enough, I started to feel angry toward the parents of these kids. How could someone so willingly leave their children behind when I do not even want to leave them behind just after 2 weeks of knowing them? When I get angry I do not yell or throw a fit, I simply cry. When I get really angry, I bawl like a baby. It made me so angry that a parent could do that to their child, but I began to think about the plan that God has for our lives. He makes everything happen the way it is supposed to in order for us to become closer to Him. If some of these children were not in the orphanage, they could have well been dead or unbelievers. As much as it angers me to think about the parents that left their children, it also makes me joyful that these children now know Jesus due to their parents incapability to provide for them. Tonight when I was at the house and just breaking down all alone in a dark area where no one could find me, Dale suddenly walks up with a flashlight and shines it in my face. I tried to hide the fact that I was upset but it was inevitable that he would figure it out. After talking with him, it eased my mind knowing that he felt the same way his first trip. Without even asking, he prayed with me asking God to put an ease on my heart. The power of God is so amazing, just within the fact that Dale happened to pass by me and shine a light in my face and notice I was upset. God provides for those who seek and do not seek. Tonight I am thankful for the way God gets us through life and how He makes sure everything is going to be alright.

Loss

Matthew 4:4 

"Jesus answered, "Scripture says,' a person cannot live on bread alone but by every word that God speaks.'"

     Today we got to go to the Palace of Christoph. It was the most beautiful ruins I have ever seen. As we walked through the footsteps of Christoph we got to experience what life was like in his time during the1800's. Even though the building was falling apart, it still had a sense of richness to it. Walking through the different rooms and listening to our guide tell us about Christoph was an experience I will never forget. 

     Once I got back you can probably guess where I went next... the orphanage. Being with the kids gives me a sense of being. When I'm back at home I always feel like something is missing and it is the part of me that is yearning to be in Haiti doing mission work. I feel like I am a part of these children's lives and they are an even bigger part of mine. Like I said before, being in Haiti makes me want to adopt even more than I already do. Today really made me feel like I wanted to be 5 years older, married, and in the process of adopting. It's almost as if I can feel God yanking on my heart and telling me that I am on the right path and I will be to the finish soon. Being a part of these kids lives has been a major game changer in the way I feel about myself as well. Sometimes when I'm in school I feel like there's not much I can do to spread the word of God except be a good person and try not to ever show that I'm upset. When I'm in Haiti it makes me feel like a whole person and like I'm shining as a child of God. The down side to that feeling is that I only get to feel that way for a week. 

     Tomorrow being the last day I get to spend with Cardy and all of the other children I've become close with, I try to not think too much into it. These children being orphans with no parents to love them, it makes me feel like I am showing them a sense of abandonment all over again when I leave. I've tried so hard to tell myself they're going to be okay, but I know it's not true. I almost feel as if it's not fair that I create relationships with these children just to leave them in 7 days. Before I came I tried to prepare myself to feel a sense of loss all over again, but I did not do a very good job. These children need someone to hold on to and I feel like I am just wrecking their lives by coming in, expecting them to love me, and then leaving them all alone. It really hurts my heart to leave them behind once again. Tonight I just pray to God that he can comfort me through this time of sorrow and loss. 

Gods promise to us

Genesis 9:12-15

"And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant that I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for all future generations: I have set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the earth. When I bring clouds over the earth and the bow is seen in the clouds, I will remember my covenant that is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh."

     This morning we went to a different outpost. This one was not as orderly as the one we went to yesterday. Parents and children were pushing their way through to be seen by the doctors, but only 50 were supposed to be seen. Although only a limited amount of people were supposed to come in, we ended up seeing over 150. The women out there are more willing to let you hold their children, because surviving themselves is hard enough. For some reason I felt led to approach a woman in the back holding a very tiny baby. Once I held the baby, the woman who had handed me to her told me that the baby's mother was dead. This baby was burning up and coughing, so I brought the woman to the front of the line to be seen as quickly as possible. I stayed with the woman and the baby throughout their whole time there and helped tell Larry what was wrong. The grandmother who was taking care of her had said that she had not ever breast fed, because her mother died when she was born. She had gone 9 months without being breast fed which is an essential part of a child's growth. Although her lungs looked healthy, her ears were red and she was inhabiting lots of mucus. The grandmother who was taking care of her said "mama" and pointed toward me. She was trying to tell this baby that I was her mother, because she wanted me to take her and take care of her. My heart broke as a grandmother willingly offered her child up for her to have a better life. Isn't that what God did when He offered up His son as a way to give us a better life? As much as I wanted to bring this beautiful baby home with me, I sadly had to decline, because that would be slightly illegal. I pray for this child and her well being as she grows as a child of Christ. 

      After the outpost, we got to see the farm that was created by a group in West Virginia. We only saw about 25% of it, but there were so many animals and fruit. For miles and miles all the eyes could see was green. To thank us for being in Ft.Liberté they gave us coconuts, papayas, and watermelon. The generosity of the workers on the farm was so immense and very appreciated. On the way back to the house I got to ride on top of the tap tap. It was raining and a white girl was riding on top of a Haitian vehicle, as you can imagine, every Haitian eye was on me. I waved at everyone I could like I was a circus animal being paraded. I'm just glad I can say that I put on a parade in Haiti. 

     After lunch I went back to the orphanage as usual. Today we got to pull the girls off to the side and read the story of Noah's ark to them. After we read this story, we asked the girls that if God called them to leave everything behind and build an ark, they would. It was interesting, because any other child in the U.S. would say that they would not leave their stuff behind. These children are so willing to give themselves to the Lord and it is so inspiring. After we talked and prayed with them, we laid out shoes to give to them. The girls were so excited to get some sparkly toms. I have seen God work in so many ways and it has only been four days. God is working His way through this country and it shines through these children. 

Romans 12: 9-10
"Love sincerely. Hate evil. Hold onto what is good. Be devoted to each other like a loving family. Excel in showing respect for each other."

     Today we went to the outposts. The lifestyle of the people who live out there is even harder than the people of Ft.Liberté. There is no clinic, orphanage, or school within a ten mile radius so it requires them to walk or find a way to get where they need to go. While the doctors and nurses were providing medical help, we got to play with the kids. The children loved playing with the parachute we brought. During the heat of the day, I got to rest and hold a few babies. Unlike the U.S., mothers love to let you hold their babies. I think it gives them a sense of pride and relief. Holding these children gives me the desire to adopt even more than I already have. Even though the children have no clue who we are, where we are from, our why we are in their town, they still have the desire to be close to us and become our friends.
     Later on at the orphanage, I got to see my favorite little boy again, Cardy. As we were sitting under a tree laughing and playing, I remembered that I had some snacks in my bag. The first treat I brought out was honey roasted peanuts. I have never seen a boy so happy to have a bag of peanuts. He rubbed his belly and licked his lips while smiling and eating the peanuts. The next treat was a package of peanut butter crackers. I handed the package of six crackers to Cardy expecting him to eat them all as quickly as possible, but instead he gave one to two girls and slowly ate them making sure no one else needed any. When it got down to the last one, I assumed he would sit and enjoy it, but when he saw his brother walk in he ran over to him screaming his name. I saw his brother give it back to him as a way of saying "no, I want you to have it." but instead Cardy wrapped it up and made sure to save it for his brother later. The selflessness these children have for each other make me feel like the most selfish person in the world. They do not think of themselves, but for their siblings and friends. This reminds me of how God acted when he gave up His son Jesus to die in the cross for our sins. He didn't think of Himself when He knew that giving up His son would save others and be the ultimate sacrifice. I have seen more of Jesus through the kids in this country than I have ever seen in my life. The one thing that I think is absolutely amazing is the children's ability to love. As a child with no parents to love them, you would think that they would be standoffish, but it is quite the opposite. It showed me how natural the need to be loved is. A child does not need to have parents to know how to show love, it is a natural sense. God created all of us to love and to be loved and these kids are the prime example of what that means.
     Before dinner, a few of us decided to walk down to the fort and take a swim. We walked down with a few kids and once we got there the kids laughed at us as we jumped right in. Relaxing and floating along in the Caribbean made me appreciate the beauty of Haiti even more than I already do. The mountains and the lustrous trees we so beautiful it almost makes you feel like you're living a dream. As I sit here and think back on my day, I have an overwhelming feeling that I'm just not doing enough. Why are there still starving children? Why can't there be more hours in a day so that I can help more people? I have been praying about feeling this way, but I just don't know what more I can do to help. I feel like I'm not making enough of a difference and I want to do more. Tonight I pray to God that he can help me overcome this feeling and guide me through the rest of this trip.

Together as one

Psalm 38:3
"3 A person's steps are directed by the Lord, and the Lord delights in His way."

    Since today is Sunday, we woke up at 6:00am to go to church. If you have never been to a church that does not speak the same language as you, it is something you need to put on your bucket list. Hearing people praise God in their own language is a beautiful experience. Sometimes as Christians who live in West Virginia, we get so used to going to church and singing praise music that it becomes just a routine. Wake up at 9, go to Sunday school, sit through service, and then leave. Being in a different country, it is a much different experience. Singing songs with words that you do not know how to pronounce, listening to the emphasis the people put on the word "Amen", yet still feeling like I was praising God in the highest way possible. After church, I thought about the song "Holy Spirit". The chorus of the song is "Holy Spirit you are welcome here, come flood this place and fill the atmosphere. Your glory God is what our hearts long for, to be overcome by your presence Lord." The chorus of this song is the feeling I had in Jerusalem Baptist church. The lyrics say, Lord, all we want is to be consumed in you and nothing less. Even as Christians, we still judge. We may look down upon other churches if they do not run the same way ours do, but when it comes down to it, all we want is to be consumed in the spirit of God.
     After church I took a well needed nap (Sunday is the day of rest so I took advantage of it!). After all of my energy was restored, I headed to the orphanage. After a while, Kate and I were the only ones left! Since I know very little creole, I pulled out some nail polish to play with. After I painted Tiana's nails, I noticed children lining up. I not only painted finger nails, but toenails as well. If you didn't already realize, a Haitian's foot is not always the cleanest. I think I'm their minds, it made them feel loved to have me paint their toenails. Just as Jesus washed the hands of the disciples, I painted the toes of the orphans. I'm not by any means saying that I am Jesus, but only comparing the feelings of the disciples to those of the children. As a child who does not have a family, any form of affection is appreciated. By painting the nails of these children of God, it humbled me. Back home I take things for granted; not feeling like I have the cutest clothes, best hair, or phone. These children just wanted their nails painted. Taking all of this into consideration, I have decided to keep myself accountable for what I buy. I am going to ask myself "Is this practical, is this useful, and how can I use this to glorify God?". After all the nails were painted and dinner was served, all the children got a special smoothie drink. I sat at the table with the kids and watched them eat their big bowls of rice and enjoy their smoothies. I felt a poke on my back and I turned around. Two teenage girls handed me a smoothie and just said "thank you". It was such an honor to accept the gift from them. It really made me feel appreciated and like I was making a difference in their lives by showing them God's love.
     Overall, this only being the second day, I have realized so many things that I didn't before, grew stronger relationships, and grown in my faith. I thank God for giving me the opportunity to come here and serve Him as a disciple of Christ.

Coming together

Psalm 96:10
Say among the nations, "The Lord reigns! Yes, the world is established; it shall never be moved; He will judge the people with equity."

     Today has been a day that opened my eyes. As a white American, I have never truly felt what it feels like to be the minority. Every place we walk, people are either taking pictures of us or staring in amazement that we are in their country. As a minority you feel like an outsider, you never feel like you truly belong. By reading this, most people would think "Why would I ever want to voluntarily become the minority in a country and be immediately be judged?". I might be the first to say, but I love getting the chance to see what it feels like to walk in the shoes of the minority. In the USA, if a small group of people do something terrorizing, their race will be questioned on their morals. What I feel like I am called to do here is change that. It starts with one person that decides to make a change. Before I flew out of the US, my mother and father told me "Do great things." Ever since, I have continually thought about that. If I can do great things, maybe it will start a chain reaction. Isn't that what God calls us to do? Start off by doing something small and then naturally bigger opportunities may arise. I am here to know Christ and make Him known. It all starts with one, and by starting with one, it will create a chain reaction and lead to greater things. Do great things.
     The next part of my day pushed my body to its limit. When I go to the orphanage, I usually just create relationships with the kids. This time God led me to another section of the orphanage that I thought was only for buff men. For a solid 30 minutes, I used an axe to bust up concrete to later create even ground so the children could play safer. If anyone knows me, my strength only comes from my legs (thanks soccer) and my upper body strength is almost non existent. Not thinking that I could even lift the axe, I stood in the sun and broke up as much concrete as my puny arms could take. Sometimes God may not call us to do the things we are comfortable with, but make us stronger in situations we did not expect.
     Later on, we went to the St.Joseph's festival. This festival is all about coming together as one country. Haitians that no longer live in the country come back to celebrate their heritage. Walking down the street I met a woman who was 100% Haitian blood, but also 100% New York/Switzerland raised. Both of her parents were from Haiti, but moved before she was born. She was born in New York, but raised in Switzerland. It really opened my eyes to the way we act as children of God. For a while we live our own lives in different parts of the world proclaiming Christ as our Lord, but when judgement day comes, we all come together as one and lift our eyes to Him.

Joy

Zechariah 1:3
"3 Therefore say to them, 'Thus says the Lord of hosts, "Return to Me," declares the Lord of hosts, "that I may return to you,"says the Lord of hosts."

     Last year during my trip to Haiti, I became extremely close to a little boy named Cardy. He lives in the orphanage with his two brothers and many other orphaned children. The love I gave and received from Cardy was so immense that it cannot merely be described, it has to be felt. The last day I had with him was a bittersweet day. I knew that I had given a piece of myself to this child that he would be able to carry forever, but I also knew that I would not get to hold him for another year. The days after I had returned home dragged on and on. Not only was I missing Haiti, but I felt like I was missing a piece of myself. It felt the day for me to return to Haiti was an eternity away. Now that the day has finally arrived, I can feel that missing piece of myself that I left with Cardy. The love a mother must have for her child is unimaginable, because I have given so much of my heart to this one child that is not remotely mine.
     Ever since we landed I had been pestering Glenn about two very important things, eating spaghetti and going to the orphanage as soon as we arrived. Once he finally caved in and walked a few of us down, I was not ready for the amount of joy that descended over me. As I walked around the corner to step into the commons room, Cardy was running after a friend right towards me. I was afraid he would not remember me and that I would have to start a relationship with him all over again, that was not the case at all. In the middle of a dead sprint, he stopped in his tracks and his eyes lit up brighter than the heavens. He came running towards me and gave me the world's most sincere hug. Time felt like it had stopped and I felt completely whole again. The relationship that Cardy and I share may not be based off of understanding each other verbally, but being able to laugh and play together.
     As I thought more and more about how amazing the reunion between Cardy and I was it reminded me of something that I think most everyone who is a follower of Christ can relate to. Sometimes as Christians we stray away from the gospel no matter if it is intentional or unintentional. We may feel led astray, but when wee turn that corner to return back to him, His eyes light up and He is the happiest He has ever been. No matter how long you may be astray, He will always be waiting for you with open arms waiting for you to come back to Him.

 

Our internal struggle

Proverbs 12:25

"25 A person's anxiety will weigh him down, but an encouraging word makes him joyful."

   I have struggled with anxiety and depression for two years. The worst point in my life was about a year and a half ago when I found myself in such a panic attack I thought about things that should never cross the mind of a 16 year old. Even when I felt like God was no where to be found, He was right there beside of me keeping me calm in ways that I could not see at the moment. Having a panic attack in itself is one of thee loneliest feelings a person can have, but having a panic attack and convincing yourself that God has abandoned you is the absolute worst feeling that anyone can ever inhabit. Although I have recovered from my crippling anxiety and depression, Satan can still find ways to sneak into my life. This morning while we were taking off to fly to Haiti, Satan found his way into my life. I felt lonely and scared. My breathing quickened, my eyes watered, and I had a feeling of hopelessness, but that is not the end of the story. I was sitting with my best friend Katie and she showed me God. God may not always be inn the form of a spirit that comes upon you, but may shine through others. As she held my hand and reminded me that everything was going to be okay, I felt a peace come over me. I then got my bible out and began to read. I came across Proverbs 12:25 and immediately knew, God was with me. Satan tried to find his way into my life by telling me I was not good enough, but God had other plans. After I started reading through scripture, I plugged my headphones in and pressed shuffle on my playlist labeled 'fellowship'. What are the chances that the song titled "In My Arms" would come on. The chorus of the song says "Knowing, clouds will rage up, storms will race in, but you will be safe in my arms." God is with us in some of the most unexpected ways. What I have learned from this is that even when you feel alone, there is still a presence of God with you no matter how lonely you feel. My prayers go towards anyone else who has ever felt like I have. I hope that after you read this, you will feel that much closer to The One that holds you in His hands.

Imperfect perfection

Luke 4:10-11
"10 Scripture says, 'He will put his angels in charge of you to watch over you carefully.
11 They will carry you in your hands so that you never hit your foot against a rock."
   
     Today we were supposed to fly out to Florida at 4:23pm, but our flight got pushed back to 5:46pm. Of course at first I was a little annoyed, because once your mind is set to be somewhere, you want to be there. Although the timing did not cut out as it was planned I soon saw it as a blessing. Isn't it just like life? Every day, every hour, every minute, we seem to have something planned. We act as though we are the ultimate judge of this universe which ultimately puts us in the mindset that we have the right to decide what we are going to do and when we are going to do it. The thing most people ignore is that we are not in control, we have never been in control. The Creator of all things is the one that decides if our flights are going to be delayed. I have learned to look at everything from a higher perspective. There are little things in life that may seem absolutely miserable and you ask God "Why?". The way we need to see things are from God's perspective. He does not merely let things happen to you, he makes them happen to you. You may have heard the saying, "Everything happens for a reason" and sometimes that still does not ease the pain you may feel. Although, isn't it true? God is watching over us 24/7 even when it may not feel like he is there. Next time you are upset about something or feel like God is not with you, take a moment to stop and think; "How can I find the good in this?". Once you think about all of the ways God is with you, your mind will be at ease. Just like Luke said in verses 4:10-11, He will put his angels in charge of us and they will do everything they can to keep you safe and never let troubled waters come your way.

Preparing My Heart

Philippians 4:6-7
"6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

     As the day for me to return to Haiti approaches, I have become restless in the fact that I still am not mentally prepared to see and be a part of all the poverty. Coming from such a privileged country, state, and family, it is difficult to witness the problems these families go through while simultaneously knowing that back home I have running water, power, and a closet full of clothes. The one thing I learned last year is that you have to give all of the love you have, and then some to the children and adults. By giving all of this love away, you learn to have such an open heart coming back into the United States. My prayers for the next five days are that I can prepare myself to give every ounce of love and strength I have to every person I meet on my trip. I hope to leave a piece of my heart with every person I meet on this trip.