I know I’ve said that every day has been a hard day, but today was absolutely gut wrenching. Having to leave this place and people that I love so dearly is nearly impossible for me to do. By leaving part of my heart here in Haiti, it makes me feel like I can never be truly content at home. I wonder to myself, why come back every year just to have my heart broken again?
When I’m home, all I feel is guilt and shame. I feel selfish for having more than I need and not giving it all away. Each year I come back, I become more attached to not only the people but also the culture. It is not difficult to feel loved in a culture that is founded on love. By having so little, the people tend to be more grateful for all of the possessions unlike the United States. All we want is more. Nothing is ever good enough. The people here are thankful for everything they have and with that, give all the glory to God.
So, what now? Anyone have an answer, because I sure don’t. What is going to make me feel happy again when all I feel is shame? I know that I cannot only be content for one week out of every year, because there are 51 more weeks that I am home and able to do more. I know that Cardy would not want me to live my life in sadness. He would want me to go home and share my experience with everyone so that they too may become closer to Christ. I am called to go home just as much as I am called to come to Haiti. No matter how hard that is for me to admit. God has a greater plan and I’m just sitting in the passenger seat waiting to see where he takes me.
Friday, March 23, 2018
Wednesday, March 21, 2018
Unconditional Love
Today I learned what it means to love unconditionally. From child sponsorship to working in the orphanage, I saw so many different ways that people can love. To love unconditionally means to be all in and love someone or something despite the condition. In Haiti we see people who are starving yet still willing to love us and love our God. This is what I mean by unconditional love.
For most of the day I worked in child sponsorship. My job was to measure the foot size of all the kids who were either sponsored or unsponsored. To my surprise, the orphans also came in today to get sized. The most eye opening experience I had through this was seeing a little boy that had to be no more than two with what looked like an older brother that couldn’t be more than seven. I don’t know that circumstance that the family was in or whether he even had one, but I do know that when the older brother stood in line with the younger one and helped him take his shoe off and stop him from crying I had just witnessed what unconditional love was.
I also saw what unconditional love was through my own experience. After being completely exhausted and wanting to just sleep the rest of my life, I powered through and went to the orphanage by myself because I have so much love for the children down there. Knowing that humans can produce that much love proves that there is in fact a God. Without love, there can be no faith, and without faith, there can be no love. God gave everyone emotions for a reason. He wants us to be able to love someone with every ounce of our being and to be able to do that, we have to have faith.
For most of the day I worked in child sponsorship. My job was to measure the foot size of all the kids who were either sponsored or unsponsored. To my surprise, the orphans also came in today to get sized. The most eye opening experience I had through this was seeing a little boy that had to be no more than two with what looked like an older brother that couldn’t be more than seven. I don’t know that circumstance that the family was in or whether he even had one, but I do know that when the older brother stood in line with the younger one and helped him take his shoe off and stop him from crying I had just witnessed what unconditional love was.
I also saw what unconditional love was through my own experience. After being completely exhausted and wanting to just sleep the rest of my life, I powered through and went to the orphanage by myself because I have so much love for the children down there. Knowing that humans can produce that much love proves that there is in fact a God. Without love, there can be no faith, and without faith, there can be no love. God gave everyone emotions for a reason. He wants us to be able to love someone with every ounce of our being and to be able to do that, we have to have faith.
Tuesday, March 20, 2018
God provides
Time puts things into perspective, although it is only a human construct. From 8am-4pm we have aided the sick, fed the hungry, and clothed the naked. We got so much more accomplished In the amount of time I would have spent at school. It makes me feel like my whole life I have been wasting time when I could have been easily doing something much more productive. The question I ask myself is: What can I do to make the world a better place from West Virginia? No matter how much I wish I could stay in Haiti to serve, I have an education to finish first. Then with that education I will be able to do more for the people of West Virginia and other places in the world.
It’s hard for me to go back to real life once I leave Haiti. I imagine it is he same way for every missionary. Going from spending 15+ hours serving the Lord through the mission field of Haiti to laying in bed at 12pm in my 100k home is one of the hardest things for me to do. How can I serve the Lord from home when all I feel is guilt?
It's important to remember that while life eventually goes back to normal, you don't have to go back to normal. The God that gave you those incredible feelings and experiences abroad is the same God at home. One of the hardest parts of returning home is that people don’t seem to care about the orphans I made friends with, the people with orange hair and bloated bellies, or the political situation of the country. My plan is to realize that the trip opened my eyes, but not everyone else’s. To keep the depression to a minimum when I get home, I plan to pray and let God guide me into my next mission at home.
It’s hard for me to go back to real life once I leave Haiti. I imagine it is he same way for every missionary. Going from spending 15+ hours serving the Lord through the mission field of Haiti to laying in bed at 12pm in my 100k home is one of the hardest things for me to do. How can I serve the Lord from home when all I feel is guilt?
It's important to remember that while life eventually goes back to normal, you don't have to go back to normal. The God that gave you those incredible feelings and experiences abroad is the same God at home. One of the hardest parts of returning home is that people don’t seem to care about the orphans I made friends with, the people with orange hair and bloated bellies, or the political situation of the country. My plan is to realize that the trip opened my eyes, but not everyone else’s. To keep the depression to a minimum when I get home, I plan to pray and let God guide me into my next mission at home.
Monday, March 19, 2018
Finding peace in the midst of pain
Today has been an especially difficult day for many reasons. The first being, I had to take Cardy down to the clinic because he was sick, and the second being I just cannot seem to hold myself together. It’s difficult seeing the poverty here and not feeling like you’re doing enough. I’ve always had a big heart so not just witnessing but experiencing the poverty here is a bit overwhelming even after three years.
So today at the orphanage I could tell that Cardy was not feeling well. He wasn’t as energetic as usual which concerned me. So being the mother that I am, I took him to the clinic. When he got seen they said “where’s his mom” and I said “she’s right here” pointing to myself. I’ve always felt like a mom in any situation but in this specific moment I really felt like I had to protect my child. After he was seen, they gave me the meds and I have to give them to him for the rest of the time we’re here. I’m happy that he got taken care of, but I’m angry in the fact that he did not have a mom or dad to take him to the doctor. I’ve really struggled with this today, just wondering why poverty and orphans are a thing. Why does there have to be pain in the world when our God is merciful? I honestly don’t know that answer to that and it is something that I struggle with on a daily basis. My heart breaks for the children who don’t know the love of a mother or father and I always feel like I’m not doing enough. My purpose for life is to know Christ and make Him known and in that I know that I want to dedicate my life to helping others. Whether it be in Haiti, West Virginia, or Africa, my mission for life is to spread God’s love so no matter the circumstance, all children will know that even if their earthly father is not present, their Heavenly Father is.
Today I let a lot of emotions go and it felt good not to bottle it up for once. Although I still don’t know the answer to the question that I had in the paragraph above, I know that God will lead me to the answer and help me find peace.
Rest: March 18th 2018
Today we had to wake up at 6:00am for church and I don’t think I’ve ever been more tired in my life. Sleeping is one of my best talents. Basically Newton’s third law was written specifically for me: An object at rest will stay at rest until acted upon by an unbalanced force. If no one bothered me, I could probably sleep for 3 days straight. So basically I was pretty much slumped in church. After church I woke up a little more and then had the energy of a 5 year old drinking a six pack of Mt.Dew while everyone else was asleep in bed. Since I’m not allowed to walk around Haiti by myself and none of the guys would walk with me, I became restless. It took me until the evening to realize that even God rested on the seventh day.
Being in Haiti, I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough. I feel like I always have to be moving and helping someone. I realized that I feel like this a lot of the time. When I’m home I always think I’m not doing enough for my community but I have to stop and realize that God specifically tells us to rest because we aren’t supposed to be lukewarm in any situation, God calls us to be all in. In order to use my full potential here I need to be well rested.
So today’s lesson that I learned is that in order to be the best that I can in Haiti, I need to take time and rest. God doesn’t call us to constantly be in motion, he wants us to rest just as he did.
Being in Haiti, I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough. I feel like I always have to be moving and helping someone. I realized that I feel like this a lot of the time. When I’m home I always think I’m not doing enough for my community but I have to stop and realize that God specifically tells us to rest because we aren’t supposed to be lukewarm in any situation, God calls us to be all in. In order to use my full potential here I need to be well rested.
So today’s lesson that I learned is that in order to be the best that I can in Haiti, I need to take time and rest. God doesn’t call us to constantly be in motion, he wants us to rest just as he did.
Sunday, March 18, 2018
Joy in simplicity march 17, 2018
Joy in simplicity
As you can probably tell from the title, today’s lesson that I learned was that there is so much joy in simplicity. Today was the first full day in Haiti and to no surprise, it exceeded my expectations. From giving out stickers to the kids at the orphanage, to watching (not playing, you’re welcome mother) a pickup soccer game. Today was filled love, laughter, and a whole lot of sunscreen.
To start the day out, we went to an outpost named Duma. The outposts are the poorer parts of Haiti. Although I am going to nursing school, I don’t have a degree yet so I wasn’t really able to help in the clinic part of the day. Feeling like I was just in way of everyone, I walked outside to do what I do best... play with kids. At the end of the day, feeling like I hadn’t really helped do much, Gail thanked us for all of our help. I was a little confused, but she followed that statement with “although you may have felt in the way, you did more than we could’ve asked for. Keeping the kids occupied so we could give the best medical treatment to everyone was just what we needed.” So after that statement I felt more at peace with what I thought was my lack of help.
Once we came back and ate some lunch, mostly everyone napped, but like always I had super high energy. So with that energy, I rounded up a few people and we headed down to the orphanage. Once Cardy found me, we headed outside to sit together. Before I came, I bought about 1,000 puffy stickers. So, I got them out and Cardy looked like he had won the lottery. First sticking them on his face and then putting them on his locker. I could tell he was so appreciative. This is where the lesson I learned comes in. There is so much joy in simplicity and it blows my mind how happy someone can be with so little. I wish that our nation was not so corrupt and we didn’t need “stuff” to make us happy and feel fulfilled. I have learned that God provides no matter what, and to be fulfilled all we have to do is find the joy in the simplicity of life.
After a long day, relaxation on the roof was much needed. Laying up there, looking at the stars, and reminding myself of how little we are in comparison to the whole universe was a much needed ego check. It’s normal to feel good about yourself when you do mission work like this. You feel like you’re making so much of a difference but the truth is, I am only here for a week no matter how much longer I want to stay and you can only do so much in that allotted amount of time. It’s what you do outside of this planned mission work that counts. Are you living a life that points to God or are you straying away once that fire is gone after a week? Last night someone told me that even in the darkest place on earth, when you look up to the sky, you can only see 5% of what is actually there. The other 95% is unknown. Are you living for the 5% that you can see and trust in or are you taking a risk and loving for the 95% that has yet to be seen and discovered? Life is a mystery and God’s grace is seen everyday if you pay attention to the little things.
As you can probably tell from the title, today’s lesson that I learned was that there is so much joy in simplicity. Today was the first full day in Haiti and to no surprise, it exceeded my expectations. From giving out stickers to the kids at the orphanage, to watching (not playing, you’re welcome mother) a pickup soccer game. Today was filled love, laughter, and a whole lot of sunscreen.
To start the day out, we went to an outpost named Duma. The outposts are the poorer parts of Haiti. Although I am going to nursing school, I don’t have a degree yet so I wasn’t really able to help in the clinic part of the day. Feeling like I was just in way of everyone, I walked outside to do what I do best... play with kids. At the end of the day, feeling like I hadn’t really helped do much, Gail thanked us for all of our help. I was a little confused, but she followed that statement with “although you may have felt in the way, you did more than we could’ve asked for. Keeping the kids occupied so we could give the best medical treatment to everyone was just what we needed.” So after that statement I felt more at peace with what I thought was my lack of help.
Once we came back and ate some lunch, mostly everyone napped, but like always I had super high energy. So with that energy, I rounded up a few people and we headed down to the orphanage. Once Cardy found me, we headed outside to sit together. Before I came, I bought about 1,000 puffy stickers. So, I got them out and Cardy looked like he had won the lottery. First sticking them on his face and then putting them on his locker. I could tell he was so appreciative. This is where the lesson I learned comes in. There is so much joy in simplicity and it blows my mind how happy someone can be with so little. I wish that our nation was not so corrupt and we didn’t need “stuff” to make us happy and feel fulfilled. I have learned that God provides no matter what, and to be fulfilled all we have to do is find the joy in the simplicity of life.
After a long day, relaxation on the roof was much needed. Laying up there, looking at the stars, and reminding myself of how little we are in comparison to the whole universe was a much needed ego check. It’s normal to feel good about yourself when you do mission work like this. You feel like you’re making so much of a difference but the truth is, I am only here for a week no matter how much longer I want to stay and you can only do so much in that allotted amount of time. It’s what you do outside of this planned mission work that counts. Are you living a life that points to God or are you straying away once that fire is gone after a week? Last night someone told me that even in the darkest place on earth, when you look up to the sky, you can only see 5% of what is actually there. The other 95% is unknown. Are you living for the 5% that you can see and trust in or are you taking a risk and loving for the 95% that has yet to be seen and discovered? Life is a mystery and God’s grace is seen everyday if you pay attention to the little things.
Friday, March 16, 2018
First day back 2018
After arriving at the airport in Haiti today, it finally hit me that believe it or not... I’m in Haiti. It didn’t feel real until I smelled the charcoal in the air, felt the dirt under my feet, and heard the kids yell “Blan! Blan!” (White!). Contrary to popular belief, Haiti is one of the most beautiful countries I have ever seen, just thought I’d put that out there. Being back is kind of bittersweet because although I know it’s going to be an amazing week, I know that I have to leave again.
Coming back to Haiti only makes my desire to adopt even stronger. I have so much love to give and being able to give that love to these kids for a week is so amazing, but I can’t even imagine how it would feel to be able to give all of that love to a child (or multiple children) for their whole lives. I am so grateful that God gave me the ability to connect with these beautiful kids that I don’t even speak the same language as.
Now onto I know what everyone has been waiting for... CARDY! From the moment we got into Fort Liberté, my eyes were peeled looking for Cardy. So after not seeing him in school I immediately wanted to go to the orphanage. So finally after getting enough people to go down with me, I walked in mustering up the strength to accept if he didn’t remember me it would be okay. Thankfully..... HE REMEMBERED ME! He came up to me and would not leave my side. Best moment ever.
After being awake for almost 20 hours, I am sitting at the dining table listening to 5 people talk about Marvel and Star Wars and I probably couldn’t be more tuned out if I tried. By this time all I can think about is going to bed and turning the fan right on my face. So with all of this said, I am excited to see what God has planned for me and the rest of the team this week.
Coming back to Haiti only makes my desire to adopt even stronger. I have so much love to give and being able to give that love to these kids for a week is so amazing, but I can’t even imagine how it would feel to be able to give all of that love to a child (or multiple children) for their whole lives. I am so grateful that God gave me the ability to connect with these beautiful kids that I don’t even speak the same language as.
Now onto I know what everyone has been waiting for... CARDY! From the moment we got into Fort Liberté, my eyes were peeled looking for Cardy. So after not seeing him in school I immediately wanted to go to the orphanage. So finally after getting enough people to go down with me, I walked in mustering up the strength to accept if he didn’t remember me it would be okay. Thankfully..... HE REMEMBERED ME! He came up to me and would not leave my side. Best moment ever.
After being awake for almost 20 hours, I am sitting at the dining table listening to 5 people talk about Marvel and Star Wars and I probably couldn’t be more tuned out if I tried. By this time all I can think about is going to bed and turning the fan right on my face. So with all of this said, I am excited to see what God has planned for me and the rest of the team this week.
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